Say Yes To Yourself!
Boundaries aren’t just about saying no, they are also about saying yes… to yourself!
It's about putting your own needs at the heart of your decisions, a skill that's often under-practiced and overlooked, and if we aren’t used to doing it then it can hard to change the habits of a lifetime.
Finding Your Voice
How often do we suppress our needs to fit in with friends or to keep family members happy. Instead of voicing what we want we try to not be ‘a bother’. Many of us adopted this style of coping mechanism early in life in order to navigate complex relationships, especially if communication and negotiation were not part of how things worked in your family!
Putting aside your own wishes can seem the easiest option to avoid conflict, but over time your ability to know, and voice, your own desires gets lost. You might say things like ‘I’m not sure who my authentic self is’ or ‘I don’t even know what I like or like to do’.
Plus, if we take these learnt behaviours into our adult relationships it can make for some lobsided dynamics. Forming balanced healthy relationships becomes difficult, including the relationship with yourself. Because if there is a side of yourself that you are not bringing to the fore, or if you are continually ignore your preferences, then resentment can build.
Breaking Free Of Old Patterns
You need to be honest with yourself here because you may have developed some seriously elaborate excuses and justifications for certain thinking! Our brains are clever at this stuff and make up all kinds of stories. You might tell yourself you aren’t interested in sport or aren’t bothered about different kinds of food choices or where you go on holiday – ‘oh I’m easy, I will just fit in with what you’re doing’.
Does that sound familiar?
In some areas of life this might be true, but not in all! When we become disconnected from our true desires and disown our interests it can be hard to tell. Watch out for those times where you are justifying indifference or have rigid stances on certain issues. With poor negotiating skills you can see both styles of behaviour - giving way fully or refusing to compromise at all because we lack the assertive communication called for to defend our choices.
The Non-Competitive Competitive Person
For example, the younger sisters amongst us. We often fall into two camps; either fiercely competitive, growing up constantly striving to take on and beat older siblings at games, or we worked hard to find other, more independent, interests. Yet you may find you are actually hugely competitive but with yourself or in games that your older siblings weren’t interested in.
Keep Practicing Small Steps For Big Changes
Unlearning a lifetime of people-pleasing takes practice. Think about what you used to love doing when you were younger. Have you shut down things you used to enjoy? Where can you start bringing those back into your life?
Start with small steps. Express preferences, make requests, learn to compromise rather than give way completely. We can bring an ‘all or nothing ‘ approach to negotiations as we start out when a bit of give and take can be much more helpful.
Self-awareness, as always, is key. You need to start becoming more conscious of your decisions and why you are (or are not!) making certain choices. See if you can spot those patterns of self-silencing and sacrifice that have become second nature. Explore hidden desires, what would you do if no one else was involved? Think about what you used to love doing as a child? These are the clues.
Remember, it may well feel uncomfortable at first, that’s to be expected. You are learning new ways of being but with time and practice expressing your needs will start to feel normal.
Rediscovering Yourself
The key to change is rediscovering your voice and practicing negotiation skills. Some tips to build those new behaviours include -
⦁ Practice making decisions - give preferences about where you go, what you eat.
⦁ Work on intuiting your preferences – what do you want? Take time to think about it. Close your eyes and think about the options. Which one makes you smile, feel warm, feels right?
⦁ Practice communicating these preferences in an open way.
⦁ Practice negotiating – its best to start with things that aren’t so important to you, things that have less emotional attachment or no long entrenched lines of battle!
⦁ Practice compromise – aim for reaching a middle ground where everyone is happy.
⦁ Think about different areas of your life – home, work, groups, friends. Are you more decisive in certain roles than others? Can you take some of the skills you have in one area of life and start using them in another?
⦁ Keep practicing - change takes time. Be patient and remember to celebrate those small victories.
Ultimately, setting boundaries is about reclaiming your power and creating a life that truly reflects your values. It isn’t about sacrificing your relationships, it is about honouring your needs. Practicing self-awareness and effective communication will help you to build a life where your voice is heard and respected, by others and by yourself too.
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