The In-Between: Navigating Life Transitions And Identity Challenges

People often ask me ‘who do you work with?’ and I used to find that difficult to answer because there’s no obvious demographic or common characteristic – until one day someone pointed out to me ‘It’s not a who it’s a when!’ That made a lot of sense. 

Change is a Constant

We all face those ‘when’ moments. Even though change is happening all the time, we rarely notice it, it can creep up on us. Other times there are dramatic moments of change that come like a bolt from the blue. And of course there are the big milestones too. Tings like:

• Early Adulthood: Starting university, leaving education.

• Family Shifts: Becoming a parent, marriage, ‘empty nest.’

• Health and Biology: navigating menopause, getting older.

• Career and Legacy: Changing career, retirement, redundancy.

• Loss and Ending: Divorce, bereavement.

These changes are more than logistical problems, they can go deeper than that. They might require a shift in our thinking, including how we think about ourselves, impacting us at a fundamental level: our identity.

The Tapestry of Identity

I like to think of identity as a beautiful, complex tapestry. Woven from the places we were born, our culture, work and relationships. Our identity helps us make sense of the world and enables us to show up in a coherent way.

And because identity feels like it should be stable, it can feel jarring when it starts to shift. When the labels we wear change; when we’re no longer the employee, the partner, or parent then we can end up feeling lost.

Motherhood: One Of My ‘Who Am I Now?’ Moments

You don’t become a parent the moment your child is born, it’s a process.

I’d expected the sleepless nights and hard work but I wasn’t ready for the identity level shifts and it hit me hard.  

I stepped away from employment for 5 years to look after my three children, and that simple social question ‘so, what do you do?’ suddenly became very hard to answer.

 I wasn't comfortable with the ‘housewife’ label and I didn't want to lessen the role of parenting to an off-hand ‘oh I’m off with the kids at the moment’. I felt caught between my old self - the financially independent, professional - and a new version of me I hadn't quite learned how to describe yet.

If I’d known then what I know now about identity work, I would have been much kinder to myself during that transition.

Navigating Your Changing World

In coaching, we work on managing these transitions by building confidence at a core level. When the external labels change, what remains? The Who behind the What. Here are some ideas to help you start that process:

1. Separate your ‘What’ from your ‘Who’

We often confuse who we are with our roles. To find a deeper sense of self, try this exercise:

• Your Roles: List the hats you wear (Parent, Colleague, Supporter).

• Your Core: List your character traits and strengths (Loyalty, Curiosity, a love for problem-solving).

• Notice The Overlap: See where your ‘Core’ shows up in your ‘Roles.’

If you are a natural people connector you might bring that way of being into your family dynamics as well as your workplace. And though your role might change, but the people connector in you stays because  these things that are true about you regardless of your job title or circumstances. These are your ‘identity anchors.’ 

2. From ‘Wanting’ to ‘Being’

Start embracing the new you, the you you’re becoming. Start with changing your ‘I am’ statements.

When we say things like ‘I want to be more creative’ it keeps our goal at arm's length, a future point we haven’t yet reached. Try saying ‘I am a creator’ and see how it changes how you approach your new identity. Keep using it and saying it. It might give you imposter feelings to start with but you are giving your brain a new set of instructions.

This way change can feel less like a loss and more like you are evolving.

3. Let your values act as your compass

When everything else is changing, your values provide the continuity. Values aren't just nice words, they are your internal GPS. When life feels chaotic, your values are the path back to you.

Transitions are the perfect times to check back in and see which values still hold true for you. Some may be more a part of your old self and no longer fit with the newer, truer version of you.

• Remember those moments you are proud of in your life: What stories about your life make you feel most aligned? They need not be big things. Often it is the everyday that reveals who we truly are.

• Notice the Friction: What irritates you in others? This reaction can come up when someone goes against a value we hold dear, things like honesty or reliability.

Change is an Opportunity

When you think about it, many of the roles we play or the stance we adopt in life were created years ago when we were young and had a lot less experience or choice in our decisions. 

Yes, uncertainty is uncomfortable, but it’s also a chance to re-evaluate things. To decide what you want to take into the next chapter and what you are ready to leave behind - so you can step into a version of yourself that better fits the life you are living now.

Ready to find your internal compass?

If you’re feeling the friction of a life transition and want to rediscover your core, I’m here to help.

Message me for a free Values Exercise to help you uncover what matters most, or get in touch to discuss how one-to-one coaching can support your next chapter.