I know, it's a bold statement from a positive psychologist, but pursuing happiness could actually be making us less happy. While I love that wellbeing and positive psychology are finally getting the attention they deserve, the focus on quick fixes and the misconception that positivity is the ‘norm’ we should be striving for is not helpful and possibly even damaging.
Life Can’t Be Hacked
Life isn't a hack. It's an eventful, sometimes difficult, journey filled with highs and lows. When we try and follow quick ‘happiness-by-numbers’ steps to the good life it can all seem to slip further from our reach. By trying to ‘reach’ happiness we often push it further away. New research suggests this may be because when we focus on it, it is more on our minds, so we notice the lack of it or compare our levels of happiness to our friends’, and that isn’t helpful.
Stress Happens!
Let's face it: life can be tough. Sad things happen, we are regularly faced with stressors and challenges. It’s all part of the human experience. To resist these feelings, or thinking ‘why me’ ‘this shouldn’t be happening’ only makes things worse. It deepens the negativity and prolongs the suffering.
It is in overcoming struggles that we start to discover what brings us a deeper level of wellbeing. It isn’t about happiness. Happiness is the cherry on top but the richer flavours come from these real human experiences that build our resilience and teach us about the meaning and purpose in our lives.
Other People Can’t Tell You What Makes You Happy
What makes you happy, and more importantly what gives you meaning and purpose is as unique as you are.
There is a lot of common ground; spending time in nature boosts mood for many people, but which aspect of being outside is floating your boat? This can differ from person to person. Is it solitude as you walk alone or is it company on a shared walk? It might be the beauty of the scenery, the fresh air, or the adrenaline of faster paced exercise and activities? Maybe you prefer to see nature through a window from a comfy chair or a hammock!
What you enjoy about nature is as individual as you. Knowing your strengths1 can help you figure this out, giving you a better insight into what particular aspects of an activity is giving you enjoyment. Use self-awareness to monitor your with your mood and emotions after various activities too. With this kind of practice you can begin to spot the activities that work for you.
Gratitude Doesn’t Work For Everyone
Go on the internet and you will see one good route to increasing happiness is to keep a gratitude journal, noting daily the positives in your life. If you are already feeling good about life, or you are a naturally grateful person, then this can definitely focus you on the joys, but it is not for everyone and if it doesn’t work you can end up feeling worse.
Please don’t be hard on yourself if this happens, and don’t try and force it, especially when you are feeling low. When you are struggling it is easier to focus on your natural strengths instead.
You might be like me, Gratitude is not one of my key strengths. Humour is much more useful for me because it is one of my top strengths, plus it has the added benefit of being good for connecting with other people. When I make people laugh, make myself laugh or when others make me laugh, I get the same sort of lift as Acts of Kindness and Gratitude do for other people. It builds hopefulness, makes me feel a part of something bigger than myself and that life is good.
If humour is important to you try the ‘three funny things’2 exercise and let me know if you notice an impact compared to the gratitude approach.
Find Your own Deeper Happiness?
So, let's stop chasing happiness. Instead, focus on finding out what gives you meaning, gets you in flow, embracing life's complexities, letting yourself feel all the emotions and building your resilience. Happiness will come, and happiness will go but it's not the ultimate goal.
What do you think? Are you ready to redefine what you are seeking when you are looking for happiness?
References
⦁ Go to https://www.viacharacter.org/ to take the test and discover your signature strengths
⦁ You can read about this exercise here ⦁ Three Funny Things | Practice | Greater Good in Action (berkeley.edu)